Stock Take

Wow 2000 hits.. that's the most amount of hits I've had since I was in grade 4. Cool. I can't believe that so many people have wasted their time coming to visit this lil' ol' site.. I can hear the groan of managers around the world, "... must blame Byron and Emma... lower work productivity ... lower profits ... not the interest rates fault, Mr Howard ...". I am sad enogh actually to throw a party in honour of this momentus occasion, with Caz being the honorary guest that couldn't make it and me being the only invitee.. what a party I had.

And anyhoot.. enough self grandising. Afterall, its just procrastination, right?

A popular question around this neck of the woods is, "So.... (eerie silence after introducing names and recognising your beer's almost on empty)... how long have you been here for?". It doesn't matter if you're a traveller and two weeks seems like a long time, or if you're an ngo worker glued to the beach and you reply in months.. this question is always asked, and the answer determines a lot more than the course of conversation - it also determines whether you can refill your beer! When I first arrived, it was almost shameful to whimper out "ahem.. 3 weeks". People would just go "Oh..." and walk away. Being the newbie on the block sucks - unless of course you arrived right after the tsunami and there were hundreds of newbies. But everyone talks about how great this person was, and then starts talking about some other random person you've never heard of.. it's as if it's your fault for just arriving, and the person you are talking to never "just arrived" but arrived after being here for 6 months already.

But I've recognised something. And it probably has taken me this long to recognise it. I am no longer that newbie. When people ask me "So.... (eerie silence after introducing names and recognising your beer's almost on empty)... how long have you been here for?", I embelish and say "about a year"... that's my standard now. After replying "9 months two weeks three days and a few beers worth", I decided that preciseness doesn't add jack shit. So "about a year". And after that, I like to think that they look at me with adoring child like eyes wanting to learn the magical ways of Sri Lanka.. but the reality is, if they were anything like me, their eyes would have rolled to the back of their heads and they mutter clear enough for everyone to hear "Not another one of those wankers that refuses to leave the tropical island... bloody aid workers". After that, i start ratteling off names of these great people that they never knew and never will. "My god, [insert random name] was such a nice person.. everyone liked them... etcetera and etcetera".

So, having been here for "almost a year" with no end in sight, I've seen a fair few people come and go. And the funniest thing to see are people that do nothing on their weekends for months on end, and then decide they need to everything in the final month, "I can't believe I haven't seen the sitting down buddha!", "I can't believe I haven't seen the standing up buddha!",
"I can't believe I haven't seen the lying down buddha!" or "Not another friggin beach!". But I'm going to be different. I'm determined. I am going to plan ahead.. and the first step: A checklist of my accomplishments thus far after "about a year":

Kilometers Travelled: 50-100,000? Too many to count.
Districts Travelled Through: 18/26
The Score: Cats Killed: 0
Dogs Killed: 0
Snakes Killed: 1
Beaches Visited: 20?
National Parks: 8
Buddhist Temples: 3 [You can see where my prioties are...]
River cruises: 1.. in a round dingy down rapids
Tea Plantations: 1
Breweries: 1

Diahoreaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh: The only place on my body with no hairs is my ass.
Centipede Bites: 2
Hospital Visits: 1

Biggest Animal Seen: Elephant.. real close (too close for Em, screaming on the floor of the jeep)
Most Common Animal Seen: Squirrels.. rats with charisma!
Coolest Animal: Monkey wanking himself; or dogs getting stuck together. You choose.
Leopards Spotted: 0
Pets: 3 ducks at my work.. Embo has 2 rabits at her work. Mongoose in roof in Ampara.

Cups of Tea: atleast 600 [2 per day, everyday]
Cups of Coffee: 50-100? [My blood is thinning...]
Rice and Curry: 500 odd meals worth
Chicken Parmiganas: 0
Meat Pies: 0
Whoppers in the middle of the night after a big piss up: 0
Rotis in the middle of the night after a big piss up: 2

So after about a year, my biggest accomplishment is being bitten by a centipede and getting electrolosis on my ass. I think in the next year, I need to get drunk at some breweries and run over some dogs on the way home....

Peace, Love, and Fluffy Green Newbies,

B.