In Guus We Trust

Many people believe that the world revolves around soccer. However, in Melbourne and Australia, the world revolves around sports. You name it, we have someone out there wearing green and gold competing in it - even Curling (seriously, they practice using brooms and curling 'balls' with wheels on it because we got no ice). But its only recently that I realised Australia's deep seeded patriotism and love of the marsupial is purely sports related. My brother, Doctor Lyle (1), has recently come back from a six year stint in the States where he has enlightened me to the fact that as patriotic as the US is, they only care about themselves and their rights (to hold guns, not vote, and all other democratically wonderful things you would want to waste your right not to vote on). For example, they don't really get behind and support USA in the World Cup - most didn't even know they played and lost. Whereas in Australia, we use our one chant of Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie Oi Oi Oi over and over and over again for every sport that an Aussie is willing to have a crack at... especially if we are an underdog, then we really want to piss off the establishment by winning (re: 1986 America's World Cup and now 2006 World Cup). People misunderstand Australia and think we don't care about Soccer - but we do, mainly when we are winning and especially when we are beating Croatia whilst almost half our team came from Croatia (we also understand irony, unlike the yanks, which helps a lot in these situations).


What better way to win against Japan than getting three goals in the last 8 minutes of the game, right? Well, last nights game against Croatia could only end in the same way. Having to draw to go through, we go 1-0 down in two minutes and take another 36 minutes to equalise. Shortly after, Croatia are 2-1 up and we wait until the 79th minute for our new "Golden Boy" Kewell to get teh equalising goal yet again. Almost 15 minutes more of "oooers" and "aaaahs" and the whistle blows. Australia is through to the second round. STUFF HISTORY. We've never had Guus in our history, and In Guus We Trust. He might be a short fat dutch guy who just earned a coooool 500,000 euros for getting us through to the second round, but he deserves every penny. When we beat Italy, we'll double it and still be getting value for money. I'm hoping we can do it in penalty kicks and make them cry.

Melbourne and Australia is in full party mode right now. The streets are absoloute mayhem. Federation square is burning down from all the immigrant-soccer fans that are teaching us the use of flare; Cars are driving around with socceroo flags; Aussie flags are draped in most shop fronts; everyone is talking about it, and pubs are continuously having replays of Aussie Goals on the tvs. Its bloody great to be here for it. I might be sick with a fever, on top of the soccer fever, but it just gives me more time to watch the world cup from the couch or bed. Although I cant drink beer at the moment, as a true fan of the green and gold I am at the pubs drinking lemon squash with lime. Tastes like shit, but CARN THE SOCCEROOS!

I realised something after the game. All up, Australia has cheered with gusto and pride for a total of 30 minutes in three games. The rest of the time, we were biting our nails waiting for the Never Give Up attitude to kick in. The 'Aussie Spirit'. Some say that all Australians on their birth certificate have "Never Give Up" imprinted on it... I personally think that we just get cheap thrills out of winning in the last dying minutes because it makes the loss even more painful, "Oh, we were so close, but we lost to that darn Aussie Spirit!".

Stuff History, who we got next Guus?

(1) From the Frankston City Council to an English hospital, all forms of institutions and organisations are blocking innocent bludgers from my witty comments. Perhaps it might be more crass than witty, for they are confusing this blog with hard core porn involving tit fucking beastiality and 42 cambodian wrestling midgets. Easy mistake. Though I've found the loophole (at least for the English hospital). If you use words like Doctor, Surgeon, Disease, Medicine or a Disaseed Doctor Surgon with Medicine it acts as a counterballance to all the porn. So everytime I use the word porn, I need to prefix it with Doctor Porn or Diseased Tit Fucking or 12 inch big fat black rubber cock of medicine.. and then my radiologist mate will be able to view this blog! Simple! For the accountants, I will use Abacus Butt; and for the city planners, T-square pussy. Whatchyareckon?

The Bandwagon Rolls On

The bandwagon just keeps on rolling on.. with more and more Socceroo fans coming out of the closet to watch 11 on 11 man love. For those living under a rock or too busy saying quotable quotes like "I think Brazil will win because they won in 1932 and the spiritual plane is in their quadrant"; the Socceroos were the ones everyone was talking about last night, after a thrilling 3-1 win over Japan.

"We won... let's go beat up the Barmy Army and break shit!"

But what I love is the history that people put on events such as these. Firstly, you have the comparisons to the 1974 World Cup, which also was in Germany. Why? Because that's the only other time we have made it. So, you get things like, "Tim Cahill has made history by getting the first goal for Australia in World Cup Finals History", and three minutes later "Tim Cahill has made history by being the first Australian to get two goals in World Cup Finals History".. Then you get the emotional importance attached to the event. Right at the top must have been Emma this morning, who woke up looking like shit and hungover (hey, me too..) and makes the grandiose comment, "I think last night was the single greatest moment of sporting history, right up there with Wigan making the English Premier League". I tried to convince her otherwise, citing Australian Cricket World Cup of 1999 or even 2003, Hawthorn making the final 8 way back in ???, or possibly even the America's Cup win in 1983 thanks to a little fat man called Bond. Nope, the fickelness of sporting bandwagons means that for the next month or two, this will be the single greatest sporting moment in Australia's history... until we beat Brazil on Sunday (Krout time)/Monday (Ocker time).

.. and of course, our winning tactic is the "Aussie fighting 'never say die' spirit". Thanks Kewell, I want to marry your right foot. Though personally I prefer the sound of 'Blue Samurai Spirit of Japan'.. how cool is that!? But they lost, and samurai's got killed b y guns. Surely the 'Now That We Have Won I Can Be Arrogant' trophy goes to the master of masters: The Golden Guus, "In the end justice was done in this game. I'm not saying this out of arrogance, but we were sure that we were capable of (coming back)". I checked out the definition of arrogance in urban dictionary ... I think it is said out of arrogance. But who cares Maestro? You are The Golden Guus composing a symphony of twenty two manly instruments, and we the Australian people of Australia are your audience. Only you could think of putting strikers on when we were losing. And we love arrogance. If you're Australian, you pass it off as truisms; we're not arrogant, just saying it as it is and it is that we are the best second rate soccer nation in the world. We eat Arrogance for breakfast.. i know there is something they add to the Weet Bix - darn seven day adventists at Sanitarium!

Looks exactly like the Japanese Ambassador last night!

"Where were you when Australia came back to win 3-1 over Japan, the beginning of the leadup to the Australian v Togo final?". I was at the Australian High Commission in Colombo... where of course we invited the Japanese Embassy, and proceeded to embarass myself by acting right royal stroppe for 84 minutes and then errupted in gloating and chanting. No more "Nippon..clap clap clap.. Nippon... clap clap clap". It quickly became a slurred "Aussie Aussie Aussie ... oi oi oi!". I always think its better to celebrate as loudly and as long as possible, particularly when it is such a heart breaking event and you are surrounded by the oppositions' upper class and children. I think it's the Aussie Way.

True Australian Spirit: Scott Charles of Bonnie Doon, Australian Fan, saving his pennies and going to see Australia in Germany, "I didn't think we would last long, but I'm about to ring my boss and tell him I'm sick"

Which ones inflatable?

Embarking on a new Adventure...

Note the capital A. It's going to be a big, exciting, challenging Adventure. Can't wait. I've always been that person who shies away from hard work; heck, when I first looked up the word procrastination inthe dictionary, I also looked up boondoggle, dawdle, dilly-dally, prolong, linger, retard (not in the less abled sort of way), monkey around, screw off, and formicophiliac. But occasionally, I get bored of finding news ways to procrastinate - there's only so much surfing of bored.com and urbandictionary.com one can do... but then I found kontraband.com and the (soccer) world cup(1), and that gave me a whole new six months revitalisation of fascination with procrastination in this nation. But, like all good things.. the time has come to move on and shift up a gear.

So from one tree hugging hippie bleeding heart socialist pinky do gooder well wishing organisation to another, I will be embaring on a new Adventure in Sri Lanka with a new organisation. Hooray. And best of all, I am going to be a capitalist tree hugging hippie bleeding heart socialist pinky do gooder well wisher, as I am going to start actually being paid for the work I do: No more shackles of volunteerism. After six months, I can now say that I will be here for another twelve months doing the stuff I love. I ought to thank a few people actually: Firstly, Zhera (check out the link to her blog on the right hand side) as she told me to apply; Embo, who surprisingly didn't crack the sads and say "But I wanna go home!", and all it cost me was a trip to the Greek islands in July 07 [I'm still trying to bargain her down to the Carribean]; uhm, and nobody else really - all the rest was me me me me.

The good news for all you lovely Melbournians is that yes, I will be gone for another year; but not without a whirlwind pub tour for the last two weeks of June. My brother is officially moving back from the States and will be there upon my return; my sister is preggers so I want to rub the belly of luck; and I need to fleece my other brother of all his money in our World Cup bet-a-thon. I can't wait to get drunk, act drunk, and be drunk in a familiar surrounding without having to catch a tuk-tuk home. Cascade Beer, Victoria Bitter, James Boags.. that'll do me. Oh, and coffee - goddamn the coffee is good in Melbourne. For those who are from Melbourne, that made perfect sense... for everyone else, you can tell you are not from Melbourne because you are thinking "Who gives a toot about coffee" becuase you either don't drink it or don't know what the good stuffs all about. But yep, in continental winterish Melbourne, there's nothing that can top a coffee as you sit on the street chugging down those cigarettes and freezing your little nannas off.

Before I signout, I have a gripe with the AFL (Australian Football League). I love my footy, and I aint talking about that pansy sport we call Soccer. But recently, the AFL brought in a "split round" where one weeks of games are played over two weeks so that the players can recouperate or whatever.. whinging buggers. And it just so happens, that the split round coincides with my visit to Melbourne. Oh boooooo. But it gets worst. The AFL refuses to give my football team (Carn the mighty Hawks!) money for having the blondest 18 players on the field; so they had to sell their souls to the devil and play games in (gulp) Tasmania of all places. Traitors. And so now, not only is there only _one_ Hawthorn football match while I am in town, but it's not even going to be played in my town! Two Melbourne teams playing in Launceston. I mean, this is exactly what Trey Parker and Matt Stone were talking about in Baseketball. It's just not on!

So, I'm in a pickle. What to do? Australia's not playing cricket. My football team I can only watch for a couple of hours over a two week period. Sri Lanka's even finishing up their tour of England (Go the Lankans, they managed to do what the Aussies couldn't do at the Ashes and draw with them). NHL's played their playoffs, same goes with Basketball not that I care. I guess I could watch Rugby... but I aint a Canadian (north of the border = New South Wales/Queenslander), so who cares about that. Looks like I am going to have to jump on that Bandwagon. Actually, for those who have seen me of late, there's been little action in Ampara and Sri Lanka so the World Cup has reached fever pitch in Sri Lanka. And I'm the first to admit that I am jumping on that bandwagon. And why not.. at least this time we didn't lose to YouAreGay (I prefer Homer Simpson's pronounciation) or some nuclear middle eastern state in the qualifying round. This time we're actually playing, may as well watch it. I don't need an excuse to say "Well, technically I am not a bandwagon jumper, because I once played soccer at lunch time in grade 3.. so it's really in my blood", or "Well, I'm actually 1/314th Serbian, which is why I hate the Croats on the team but still love soccer", or "Well, I've visited America which makes me fickle". So I am on the Socceroo bandwagon, and proud of it. Despite the fact it's played by pansys that spend more time rolling on the ground than kicking and punching each other, it could be alright... there's got to be something going for it, if reports are correct there may even be more people who play soccer than cricket (I find this highly dubious, having spent time in Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and Australia.. I can't imagine anywhere else being different?).

So go the Socceroos. Go the Guus. And for those who discount us: Just remember, we beat Greece, the European champions; we drew with Holland, 3rd in FIFA rankings; and we beat the fifth best South American team to qualify! At 100/1, start counting your winnings!!

(1) Man, Australia so sucks at being a soccer nation. Firstly, we rightfully call it soccer.. because obviously a game where you can use your feet and your hands should be called Football. But also, check out the link to the official socceroos website.. and you will see more articles and talk on the Qantas Matildas, our female squad, than you will about the Australian Socerroos.. that little uknown team that has made it to Germany 2006 for the first time since WhoknowsIJustGotOnTheBandwagon 1974. The Matilda's tour of China, whilst I'm all for dykes and spikes (2), surely should take a temporary backseat for say the next 4 weeks whilst we win seven games in a row and a trophy with a lil ball on it?

(2) Anyone who does take offense to this comment will be called a German Dyke (3).

(3) Any Germans who take offense to this comment will be reminded by the outcomes of "Two World Wars And One World Cup" - The Barmy Army do have the best songs, if only you could shut them up.

Sweating Like A Danish Cartoonist

Sometimes, you need to whinge... especially if you are a Whingin Pom or if you are an American that voted for John Kerry and still cherish the placards that you marched with in all those war protests, or if you’re an American student overseas who likes onions.

Whilst I am none of the above.. I am going to whinge anyway. It’s hot. It’s darn hot. It’s so hot in Ampara that I haven’t stopped sweating since I arrived. I have to flip my pillow (well, Bill’s pillow) numerous times through the night because it gets wet. I think that’s why my neck is sore. And…. You can’t whinge about the heat in Ampara, because inevitably the bleeding lefty pinky socialist do-gooder humanitarian worker listening to you has worked in the deserts of sub-Saharan Africa, the middle east next to an exploding bomb, or the Caribbean. “I remember when it was fifty four degrees in the desert”, “Yeah, but I bet you weren’t a chump volunteer, and I bet you had air conditioning 24-7 in your little Oasis of a hippie town”.

The only solution to the heat is to remove oneself from reality and kick back with some Playstation. I have been playing lots of Mortal Kombat – Shaolin Monks with Mark and Jeroen (pr. Urin, he’s Dutch). So we’ve been walking around making our best martial arts sounds of “Waaataaa” and “Wayaaaa”. I’ve even borrowed Ashleigh’s joke of “What’s Jackie Chan’s favourite drink?” “Waaateeer”. We also went on some missions last night in Medal of Honour, trying to sniper one and other and take over their base. Cooooooool. So life doesn’t seem to bad, no? But remember, all along, we were sweating like the proverbial rapist.. or like a fat kid in a sweets shop.. or like a prostitute in church.. or like a formicophiliac on I'ma celebrity.. or like a peadophile in a playground.. or like a, well you get the picture. It's hot, and my balls are low and wet.

On a side, yesterday I went snorkelling with some mates in Kalmunai. It was awesome! We did three dive spots in the morning over about 4 hours, travelling in a fibre glass fishing boat. Mark hooked up the whole thing with a local outfit of divers, and he rocks for that. We stopped off at a ship-wreck, which was p.cool – my first ship wreck snorkel.. and we also stopped at some big rocks with a wee bit of coral. Managed to see some turtles, surgeons, pipe fish, clown fish, emperors, angel fish, see eals, and a sting ray having its spine ripped out by a dude on the beach to be sold for medicinal purposes. There were lots of other bright and funky fish, but my fishing vocab is limited. All in all, a great weekend! [Photos pending]

It seems I have finished whinging and am now appreciating the beauty of Sri Lanka and modern Japanese electronic firms such as Sony (1). Its been a lil while since I was last in Ampara.. at which point the rice harvest was well under way, and everyone was burning their paddy fields. Usually, these aren’t the sort of photos on Sri Lanka tourist sites, and for good reason. But now, only four weeks later, the seeds have been sown and the paddy fields are a magnificent green for as far as the eye can see. Makes you think, doesn’t it. [Photos pending]

Whinge out.

(1) Sony’s almost as bad as apple, because they make their systems completetly incompatible. Long live the i-River. Long live the i-Generation. Check out smashmyIpod, Anti-iPod, or here and here and here or here for why Apple i-Pods suck. You can’t click anywhere to know why i-Rivers rock, so just trust me on that one and the sunscreen.