Oprah Makes Great Chocolate Milkshakes... is that racist?

I sit here in Oprah Winfrey's Harpo Productions & Entertainment's cafe, The Commons.. sucking down a great chocolate milkshake with cigarette in the other hand. Here's a free tip for all you dairy loving smokers: it aint a great combo. A weird looking woman comes up to me in an empty cafe for all but me and the waiters, "Is this seat taken?". I look around and see every other seat free, but no, she wants to hustle in on MY coffee table, "No, go for it". She smokes even more than me, to the point where I don't even feel like smoking. She also smokes strange looking chicky cigarettes, you know the ones that are a little bit longer & thinner? We both have our laptops out; she is using an apple mac and I can hear South Park in the background - did I tell you she is a weird looking elderly woman, prolly in late 50s and in need of a nip and tuc and maybe a hair dresser? Well she does. I've never seen a woman with bi-focals hanging off the tip of her nose watching South Park, but what can you say.. she has taste. I sit here with my IBM think pad that doesn't like to think too much, but prefers to crash.. doing work (sigh). Jack johnson goes on and on and on and on.. I come to this cafe most days as it is around the corner from work and has free wi-fi. Without fail, they are playing Jack johnson's on and on. It's an ok album, but FOR FUCKS SAKE OPRAH - GET WITH THE TIMES! This could be the location of the next cafe-massacre in vein of the Port Arthur Massacres. He prolly got sick of listening to local yokel folk music and decided to off everyone.. good for him.

Now that I have managed to put off side the blacks, the women, the elderly, and the anti-gun lobby, I think it's about time to get down to some phlogging.

I haven't blogged in some time, and phlogging's been even further behind. With Emma being in India for two weeks and having my camera; me being busy at work and in the field; and then Emma having her last week before departing... I just CBFed. Though since our last rendevous, I have done a couple of interesting things. My brain however is mush from too much chocolate milk shakes (yes, just chocolate milkshakes, thankyouverymuchmum) so I can't be bothered elaborating on the story too much. Besides, Lyle says I write too much and should get a pen pal rather than subject all of you to it. Maybe he's right.. or maybe he's just an illiterate doosch that can't appreciate good literature. I am sure one edition of Penthouse will change his mind on literature with langauge!

After spending time in Colombo, I get edgy.. I get real edgey, and what to beat up tuk-tuk drivers and waiters at fancy restaurants. When the police arrive, that's when I know it's time to hit the field. I returned last week from a two week stint in the south and the east, organising beneficiairy surveys, looking at water infrastructure, and pretending I know something about housing construction. Here are some photos from the construction site... this is the construction site:


Here's an obligatory photo of a beneficiary with bricks in the background...


... and this dudes a baker - I think he's eaten one too many of his fly infested rolls.

And this is me hanging around like a bad smell...


When I drive down South, I always pass this sign of a housing site funded by the Victorian State Government (for those who don't know, my home state's government in Australia). I had a bit of time to spare, so this time I figured I might check out what my tax dollars (if I paid tax...) was going to. As you can see, not much is going on. Allegedly it's very difficult to get money disbursed when a government is dealing with another government.. two forms of bureacracy's a bitch!




This is a temple that I passed. It looked old...


... What I liked best was the dude climbing up a tree to get a cocnut for the monk.



When out for such a long period, there is plenty of opportunities to spend your weekends doing some touristy things. I generally try to link up my trips with a weekend on the beach down south, or in this instance at Gal Oya National Park in Ampara - somewhere I never actually managed to visit when living in Ampara, so I went to make ammends. I drove out there with a bunch of people, and we just walked around this "tank" (a.k.a. lake).. beautiful scenery shots!




And this is a weird statue of a dude just hanging around nearby the hydroelectric dam.


And this is another weird dude that liked to creep in to people's artistic photos. Thanks Mark!


Pace, Love, and Monuments Wearing Pink Flowers,

B.

Stock Take

Wow 2000 hits.. that's the most amount of hits I've had since I was in grade 4. Cool. I can't believe that so many people have wasted their time coming to visit this lil' ol' site.. I can hear the groan of managers around the world, "... must blame Byron and Emma... lower work productivity ... lower profits ... not the interest rates fault, Mr Howard ...". I am sad enogh actually to throw a party in honour of this momentus occasion, with Caz being the honorary guest that couldn't make it and me being the only invitee.. what a party I had.

And anyhoot.. enough self grandising. Afterall, its just procrastination, right?

A popular question around this neck of the woods is, "So.... (eerie silence after introducing names and recognising your beer's almost on empty)... how long have you been here for?". It doesn't matter if you're a traveller and two weeks seems like a long time, or if you're an ngo worker glued to the beach and you reply in months.. this question is always asked, and the answer determines a lot more than the course of conversation - it also determines whether you can refill your beer! When I first arrived, it was almost shameful to whimper out "ahem.. 3 weeks". People would just go "Oh..." and walk away. Being the newbie on the block sucks - unless of course you arrived right after the tsunami and there were hundreds of newbies. But everyone talks about how great this person was, and then starts talking about some other random person you've never heard of.. it's as if it's your fault for just arriving, and the person you are talking to never "just arrived" but arrived after being here for 6 months already.

But I've recognised something. And it probably has taken me this long to recognise it. I am no longer that newbie. When people ask me "So.... (eerie silence after introducing names and recognising your beer's almost on empty)... how long have you been here for?", I embelish and say "about a year"... that's my standard now. After replying "9 months two weeks three days and a few beers worth", I decided that preciseness doesn't add jack shit. So "about a year". And after that, I like to think that they look at me with adoring child like eyes wanting to learn the magical ways of Sri Lanka.. but the reality is, if they were anything like me, their eyes would have rolled to the back of their heads and they mutter clear enough for everyone to hear "Not another one of those wankers that refuses to leave the tropical island... bloody aid workers". After that, i start ratteling off names of these great people that they never knew and never will. "My god, [insert random name] was such a nice person.. everyone liked them... etcetera and etcetera".

So, having been here for "almost a year" with no end in sight, I've seen a fair few people come and go. And the funniest thing to see are people that do nothing on their weekends for months on end, and then decide they need to everything in the final month, "I can't believe I haven't seen the sitting down buddha!", "I can't believe I haven't seen the standing up buddha!",
"I can't believe I haven't seen the lying down buddha!" or "Not another friggin beach!". But I'm going to be different. I'm determined. I am going to plan ahead.. and the first step: A checklist of my accomplishments thus far after "about a year":

Kilometers Travelled: 50-100,000? Too many to count.
Districts Travelled Through: 18/26
The Score: Cats Killed: 0
Dogs Killed: 0
Snakes Killed: 1
Beaches Visited: 20?
National Parks: 8
Buddhist Temples: 3 [You can see where my prioties are...]
River cruises: 1.. in a round dingy down rapids
Tea Plantations: 1
Breweries: 1

Diahoreaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh: The only place on my body with no hairs is my ass.
Centipede Bites: 2
Hospital Visits: 1

Biggest Animal Seen: Elephant.. real close (too close for Em, screaming on the floor of the jeep)
Most Common Animal Seen: Squirrels.. rats with charisma!
Coolest Animal: Monkey wanking himself; or dogs getting stuck together. You choose.
Leopards Spotted: 0
Pets: 3 ducks at my work.. Embo has 2 rabits at her work. Mongoose in roof in Ampara.

Cups of Tea: atleast 600 [2 per day, everyday]
Cups of Coffee: 50-100? [My blood is thinning...]
Rice and Curry: 500 odd meals worth
Chicken Parmiganas: 0
Meat Pies: 0
Whoppers in the middle of the night after a big piss up: 0
Rotis in the middle of the night after a big piss up: 2

So after about a year, my biggest accomplishment is being bitten by a centipede and getting electrolosis on my ass. I think in the next year, I need to get drunk at some breweries and run over some dogs on the way home....

Peace, Love, and Fluffy Green Newbies,

B.