What's the value of a public humuliation, if it's not public?

Oh, the topsey turvey world of Byron does not stop! You know there's a saying, "Once bitten, twice shy". BULLSHIT I say. "Once bitten, they've got the taste for it and they're coming back" I say! I thought getting bitten by a centipede was quite a rare thing.. especially considering the nasty reaction I had to it. Most people I had spoken to in Australia laughed at me, in Sri Lanka laughed at me then said they had never seen one here, and in Europe laughed at me and then asked what a centipede is. Well, loving to take the piss out of everyone else, it's only fair that I put it out there to have the piss removed from myself once more. Dumb luck you may ask, or just dumb? I think it's unavoidable. But on the weekend, travelling yet again down South to the fine beaches of Sri Lanka, I was violently and visciously attacked by a centipede once again - unprovoked I might add! In deep sleep, I awoke to a funny feeling on my skull. There was a bit of pain in the back of my head, and it was pitch black.. so I did what any sane human being would do: I started frantically slapping my head and hoping the thing would fall off. At this stage, I was convinced it was a small spider. Emma awakes going "whaaat? whaaat?" (not in an alert tone like you may think, but more of a sort of duuuhhhh i'm asleep go back to bed you nutter tone). I get her to turn the light on, because I am still slapping myself silly over here. And low and behold, there's a centipede maybe 2-3 inches long on my pillow, scuttling away.

Natural reaction: Panick? Have another seizure? Of course not. Natural reaction is to get bloody peeved that a centipede has bitten me AGAIN, this time on my HEAD, at 3 inthe MORNING! What's the friggin deal with 'em? I went in to a mini rampage, took a slash, and came back. Emma after a little while had managed to find the centipede: I was like don't squish it, I want to know if it is poisonous so I need to get a good look at it. So Emma mashes it (in hindsight: good on ya Embo!!). Turns out, the little tosser was not poisonous. BUT, I still managed to get a nasty bump on my head. It was about the size of a:

[Object may appear larger in rearview blog]

For those who care to know what's happening in my life, rather than just laughing at what's happening in my life, the rest of the time in Hikiduwa (just south of actually) was really good. ahh the serenity. Embo, and myself were accompanies by Mingers and her mate Sean. We stayed at a little villa called Serenity, and it was extremely chilled and relaxing.. suggest for all in that neck of the woods. Here's a picture of us having a good time chillaxing:

Our welcome drinks at Serenity.. can you feel the serenity?

The local friends: both have the same name, Manisha or something.

Emma on the beach: and that's a coconut.

Oh, and here's some news for those who don't know. A couple of weeks back Emma and I moved in to our new apartment in the leafy suburb known as Colombo 07, or Cinnamon Gardens. From what I gather, it's the Toorak (or as my sister would prefer, the Malvern) of Colombo, which kind of puts in on par with the slums in Frankston or Altona (that's for you Luke!). Anyhoot.. it's a p.cool apartment with all the mod cons, including a guard on the compound. I can't imagine on his $3 per day wage he will be taking any bullets for me though, but you never know. Emma and I decorated it with my first wage, and now it looks pretty spiffy with crockery (actually we dont have plates), cutlery, place mats, and nice throws for the couch. Yep, I got taken for a ride. It does have a spare bedroom, and it does have air conditioning, so for anyone passing by feel free to crash. Here's a picture of us with out first guest, Wendy. She's Dutch and heading from Ampara to the Philippines to meet up with her boyfriend who remains in Dutchland. Their going to nogen in de kauken over and over... and some scuba diving too.

Emma, Wendy and Byron in new apartment getting drunk on wine and air conditioning

Finally.. I come asking for comments and suggestions. Here is an email (some of you may have seen) that I wrote to an ex lecturer of mine:

Hi Barbara,

Do you remember me? My name is Byron Pakula, I was a student in your Environmental Impact Assessment subject as a Masters of Environment student in 2003. I wrote the paper on the statistical methedology used to measure the impact of the Wonthaggi Windfarm on the Orange Bellied Parrot.

To recap for Brian and Neal, and possibly Barbara who I am sure would have liked to have forgotten about this incident: I was asked to leave the SAGES department and advised not to do any subjects within the Arts faculty by Brian due to an intellectual scuffle with Barbara over whether her statistical methedology was appropriate to fully determine the impact on the OBP. Moroever, even after receiving over 20+ extra marks for the subject after having the assignment reassessed, Brian proceeded to block the new marks.

I have recently discovered that Biosis Research undertook a study, which showed that the OBP is severely affected by wind farms in accordance with my findings and against Barbaras. In fact, the federal Department of Environment and Heritage has nominated the parrot as critically endangered based on this report. So you know, I feel extremely vindicated and smug about all this.

But the reason I write this email is for a request. Firstly, I was made to apologise to Barbara for my behaviour. I would now like an apology from Barbara. One for her inappropriate behaviour throughout the incident, and two an acknowledgement of her lack of understanding of the issues. Secondly, I would like Brian to backdate the extra marks I was originally accorded to reflect the high distinction I deserve. And finally, I understand this may be asking a bit much, but an honorary Masters of Environment from Melbourne University would be greatly appreciated considering I had to leave over this situation.

Yours Sincerely,

Byron Pakula B.Com (Hons) M.IDEA (1st)

Here was the reply that I got, from Brian Finlayson one of the people i CC'ed and head of the School Barbara lectured in:

Dear Byron,

I would not be prepared to consider re-opening this matter.  You have
the right to appeal this to the President of the Academic Board and if you
feel that your case has merit you should do so.

Brian Finlayson

Okay.. so here's the deal. Obviously, if I appeal to the Preseident of the Academic Board, nothing is going to happen. Why? Because institutions like to bend over little people like me and have their way, and claim that everything is transparent and accountable. So. The question comes to you guys, what should I do? Here are some thoughts. But firstly I should reiterate, that I don't REALLY care about the marks being changed, though I wouldn't mind an honourary degree. I really think that revenge is best, and the best sort of revenge is public humiliation of both Brian and Barbara is the only way.

a) A nice bloke.. jewish guy, has a big nose.. anyway. He advised me to go the legit route. Think of why I didn't get the marks, and tackle that point.

For the aforementioned reasons, I don't like it.

b) Keep sending the same email all over the campus and to all of Barbara's current students; make sure it reaches the Dean of the Faculty etc. Keep writing more emails, and forwarding them on too.

I like that idea.. but could be added with some other stuff.

c) Use the threat of public humiliation to actually get what I want. Forward on the emails and the situation to 60 minutes, and Ray Martin. Try and get on TV and act as a battler; write editorials into newspapers, etc.

Getting better.

d) Use the internet.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated as always. Please forward on the email to as many people as possible.. and let's continue the public humiliation of the intellectually challenged lecturer. In the meantime...

Peace, Love, and Lettuce-Munching-Turtles,

B.

Gods, Clods, and Anchovies

Wow. What a month it's been since I've last posted to this blog. To fully appreciate everything that has occured and its feverish pace, you need to read the following block of jibberish text as quickly as possible: Australia lost to Italy in the world cup under DODGE conditions, soccer refs in Australia have been found beaten to bloody pulps, police have applauded their efforts; I spent 8 days of my Aussie holiday in bed, Emma was thousands of miles away, my wrist is being still (1); I drank so much coffee in St Kilda I still have a headache; made a slideshow mocumentary and proceeded to bitch about how I deleted it; I partied like it was 1999 til I boarded that flight to Sri Lanka; Emma and I stayed in a 4 star hotel and appreciated the luxury, eating so many buffet breakfasts that I literally burst and had to get stitched together by a traditional healer; started a new job and am actually working for once; went on an amazing weekend trip to Kandalama in Dambulla, celebrated Bills birthday and the world cup and then left at 4 in the morning on Monday to get to work on time; moved in to our new apartment and spent my first pay check on cutlery, placemats and pillows; began to worry I am turning in to my mum. PHEW.


Just in case you don't believe me, here's some pics of street scenes and etcetera (2):

Trippy photo from 30,000ft above an Indonesian Island

One of the cool streets of Melbourne.. anyone know where it is?

Yes, Nigel is still alive.. and the other one's my Mum! (3)

Back to what you know: an army dude guarding a billboard on a main street of Colombo.

As you do.. an army helicopter landing in a cricket ground: The view from my 4 star hotel room.


Some ramblings.. ramble ramble:

What is the critical mass in an organisation? How many support staff are needed for those who actually do stuff? I am convinced that there are too many people who's job description is to help other do their job and not do anything themselves, and there are not enough people with jobs who actually do something. At uni it was explained as rent seekers who seek to redistribute the pie (i.e. blood sucking lawyers) versus productive workers (i.e. engineers, but don't get cocky because half the engineers are support for the REAL engineers). Or better explained by social darwinism's reasoning for the near extinction/extermination of American Indians: too many chiefs, not enough indians. Though I prefer Southpark: There are two sorts of people in this world, gods and clods. Gods drive the cars and the clods fill 'em up. You see, your society needs both sort of people..... and on the diatribe goes. But me being, well quite frankly me, I think it's best explained by the ancient Egyptians: There's a logical reason for why they did not build the pyramids upside down, it would have toppled over. If the ancient Egyptians were like the modern day managers and consultants and management consultants, they would have built the Acient Pyramids of Giza upside down trying to explain that you need more people at the top to support the poor clods at the bottom. And it would have toppled down. And the managers and consultants and management consultants would have fallen with them, along the way blaming the shoddy work of the poor clods who obviously weren't managed and monitored enough and thus the next time it should be more top heavy with more consultants. But of course, my job is different...

My other rambling is regarding the whole Israeli Vs Lebanon and the rest of the middle east thing. Now, I could be politically correct and say "Blow them all up and let God decide".. or I could just pick out the funny shit like Alexander Downer (4). News reports were flying thick and thin about all the missiles and rockets and other stuff going on in a place I'd rather not be. The airport was first targetted, and all flights were cancelled; then came the sea embargo preventing any ships in and out; then the bridges to Israel and Syria were taken out to prevent land transport in and out; and then came Alexander Downer's warning, "The Australian Government advises people not to travel to Lebanon". If you know how the heck to get in there, I think you would be a lot more popular with the terrorist organisations. Alex, you get the Anchovie of the Week.

Anyhoot darlings.. Emma's at home sick, and hopefully cooking me dinner, or at least ironing my shirt.. so I better head over there myself.

Peace, Love and Punk Fairy Conflicts,

Byron


(1) For best results, sleep on your hand for an hour until it goes numb so it feels like someone else is next to you.
(2) I hate my camera at the moment. I want a new one.. with a big lens to make up for everything else that I lack - referring to photographic skills, of course.. there are no photos of people because I was too drunk most of the time. Apologies. Also this computer sux and the stoooopid people in IT wont let me add software that makes my photos look much better than they really are.
(3) You easily could make a joke of this.. a picture of my mum and an ugly dog called Nigel. Though I strongly advise you to rethink it, as I have surpassed a thousand hits and thoroughly enjoy public humiliation of other people. And myself.
(4) If you are fortunate enough not to know who this cross dressing parliamentarian is, then you may not want to keep reading. But for those who don't know, it is Australia's Foreign Minister. He's from Adelaide, but I still don't think that fully explains things.